| Wombat’s UFC 67 Predictions |
by mmaringreport.com
Originally, UFC 67 was supposed to feature Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Serra. But then, tragically, St. Pierre injured his knee in a freak poutine-related accident, and had to back out. Nobody was too upset by this, however, since nobody expected Matt Serra to win anyway - not even the matchmakers at the UFC, who were already heavily promoting St. Pierre vs. Matt Hughes 3 as a title fight for April 7th. You have to wonder what Serra thought of that. Nevertheless, UFC 67 has shaped up rather well and features some new talent - which the UFC needs like Heath Herring needs a jiu jitsu coach.
ImageAnderson "The Spider" Silva vs. Travis “The Serial Killer” Lutter
The UFC wants to have a middleweight champ who can knock people out, and speak English. No matter who wins this fight, the champion will only be able to do one. Anderson is a KO machine who falas nada ingles, while Lutter is a charge-and-tackle master of smother-jitsu; precisely the style of fighting which enrages drunken trailer-park-rowdies everywhere, who would much rather see someone get their head knocked off than see two guys locked in some bizarre embrace for twenty five minutes – because obviously it’s very normal to get excited about seeing someone clubbed into unconsciousness but it is weird, evil, and wrong to become aroused in any way by semi-nude men forcing each other into positions that make you question the nature of your own sexual preferences. Silva wins by TKO.
ImageMirko Cro Cop vs. Eddie Sanchez
Cro Cop will come into the octagon with the grim reaper in his corner. Moments later, he will kick Sanchez in the face so hard his head will fall off, grow legs and run away like that scene from the re-make of ‘The Thing’. Ring doctors will chase it around Sanchez’ decapitated body and try to put it in a bag of ice. Cro Cop wins by sickening KO.
ImageQuinton "Rampage"" Jackson vs. Marvin “The Beastman" Eastman
These two fought once before, seven years ago, and you could only tell them apart because Rampage was wearing white knee-length tube socks. Eastman won a decision that time, but I suspect that fate has different plans in store here. “The Beastman” hasn’t had the best luck in the UFC, with Belfort splitting his head like a curiously bearded cantaloupe, and Lutter putting the final touch on a pre-existing concussion with a punch that barely grazed his jaw. My guess, Rampage wins by KO, possibly from a ghetto-slam, which is a term I just made up.
ImagePatrick “The Predator” Cote Vs. Scott “Hands of Steel” Smith
I doubt Smith’s hands are really made of steel. If they are, he must have a hell of a time getting through metal detectors at the airport. Can you imagine explaining that? Is the rest of his body also made from steel? Does that make him essentially a Terminator? Can a Predator defeat a Terminator? I think so. Cote might not have a cool shoulder-mounted laser or alien camouflage technology, but I think he’ll win this one by decision.
Sam Hoger vs. Ryoto Machida
Machida has beaten Rich Franklin, BJ Penn, Stephan Bonnar and Vernon White. He is also, a purple belt in BJJ, the 2001 Pan Am Karate Champion and the runner up in the 2000 Brazilian Sumo Championships in the 115-kg division. That is impressive and somehow very bizarre. Machida by TKO.
Jorge Rivera vs. Terry Martin
Martin’s nickname should be “Terry-fying”. Overall, he looks like a cross between Mike Tyson and someone who just stepped out of a thawing glacier, with a spear in one hand and the head of a pre-historic cave bear in the other. After this fight, Rivera will look like someone drove over him with a ride-on lawnmower. Martin by TKO.
John "The Hurricane” Halverson vs. Roger "El Matador” Huerta
Both these guys eat nails, crap aluminum siding and wipe their steel starfish with tin foil. That’s how tough they air. Who wins? My guess: Huerta. Hopefully, after the fight, Huerta will resist the urge to plunge a sword into the heart of Halverson, which is the way that matadors traditionally end fights and also, by the way, why you should never make fun of a matador - no matter how strangely he might look wearing his frilly vest, stockings, funny hat and shoes.
Tyson Griffin vs. Frank Edgar
According to my ass-kick-o-meter, Edgar is in for a rough time here. He may be a good wrestler, but Griffin is a better wrestler, a more experienced fighter and also a mythical beast with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. That’s a bad day for pretty much anyone. Griffin will win by TKO and then he will carry Edgar back to his nest in the mountains to feed his young.
Dustin Hazelett vs. Diego Saraiva
Hazelett is a brown belt in BJJ. Saraiva is a black belt. Both guys have a long-standing love affair with the triangle choke and spend Sunday afternoons writing love-sonnets about their favorite submission; occasionally comparing it to a summer’s day or a fresh-baked mango pie. I will go out on a limb and suggest that Hazelett will keep the fight standing and win by TKO.
| " | Ring doctors will chase it around Sanchez’ decapitated body and try to put it in a bag of ice. Cro Cop wins by sickening KO |
